Change of mindset

Coming back after a huge relapse, I now knew what I was looking for: how do I deal with myself, and how can I be happy? Two very big questions. I simplified them for myself and turned them into two slightly different ones: How can I deal with my eating disorder? How can I find some serenity in my own head?

I cared less about how I ended up at Imani for the second time, all the events that had happened in my life that had led me there, and more about, “How do I move on?”

What would I tell the me who just arrived at Imani?

You don’t see the movie while you’re shooting it; if you just follow the script, you’ll get a great result. It’s not always that everything just clicks and provides instant stability. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith that one day it will get better.

And secondly: hakuna matata. It means no worries.

Was there a moment when I knew I was on my way back?

Tough one. I think I’ve got two real moments, and for the rest, I knew I was on a journey that at times might seem impossible, hopeless, and too painful, but that at the end of it could lead to a new freedom.

The second time I came to Imani, I came straight from a rehab center. I remember finally being able to breathe out and hand my eating disorder over to the people at Imani. The other one wasn’t really a single moment. Before going to treatment, I had a few wishes, things I would have liked to return to my life, like just wandering away at night without obsessing, making new friends, having a song stuck in my head; things I didn’t have the capacity for when I was in an active eating disorder. A few of those things were starting to come back to me in treatment, and I remember thinking, “This might actually work.”

What part of my daily routine or mindset still carries the spirit of what I learned at Imani?

Basically everything. The only thing I knew was that if I did things my way, it would bring me back to Imani. So I had to drop everything I thought I knew about myself and life, trusting it would come back to me in the right way over time. The biggest part of my mindset is that I trust the future, and I ask myself: “What if I actually believed in myself and was my own biggest supporter?”

How has recovery changed the way I show up?

“If you say it, do it.” I can trust myself, and I think others can trust me. It’s not about talking the talk; it’s about walking the walk. What I found at Imani was that if I say it, I do it, even though sometimes it can be terrifying or seem impossible. But it won’t kill me, so what’s the worst that can happen?

What made a difference for me early on?

Listening and learning from others, something I still do. It helped me get through tough moments and develop a new way of living and looking at life. Others showed me that it was possible. I asked myself, “How can I learn to be comfortable in the uncomfortable? Because then I’ll never have to be truly uncomfortable and won’t have to panic or seek weird ways out (act on cravings).” It took a while, but looking for the answers to this question brought me to acceptance and trust, faith, and hope for the future.

What helped me the most in the beginning?

My mind used to think about the future all day. What helped me most was bringing myself back to the present and telling myself, “Just for this minute.”

What would I say to someone just starting recovery?

Not all your thoughts are true. Just try to stay in the here and now. Don’t stress about a future you’re not even sure will happen.

What surprised me the most about the joy and freedom of life in recovery?

I’m still amazed and grateful for what I have in my life. Not thinking about food or myself all day. Eating what I want. Going to a restaurant without first looking at the menu. Being able to enjoy a nice workout. Having friends. Going out at night. Chilling in bed all day. Being freed from obsession. I actually really do like myself. I do what I need to do. Others can trust me. I can have a song stuck in my head all day. The list is long.

For me, something important is that life is still fun, unpredictable, and entertaining. I can still be weird and spontaneous. It’s not boring. I want to enjoy the ride since it’s a one-way ticket we’re on.

The most important thing is that I’m okay with not thinking about myself all day, and that if something goes wrong, I don’t feel the urge or need to blame something or someone. I value my own words. I carry respect for them and for myself. Some things I once saw as unreachable when I first stepped foot in Imani, even the second time, are now part of my life.

Putting in the work and effort is hard, sometimes boring, often scary and unpredictable, and mostly uncomfortable. However, what you get in return is something unimaginable when you’re in an active eating disorder.